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serenity
My life right now is trying to get the serenity to accept the things I can not change. Its such an awful feeling when you can’t change the thing that makes you so unhappy. I can go a time of not thinking about it, (him). Then it hits me and I just get this awful pit in my stomach. I pray everyday to be able to remain calm and content in the fact that things will happen in God’s time, not my own. But it is SO hard. Those times when I think about it, my first instinct to try and figure out a way to make what I want happen, to cry, to do anything to make that feeling go away. But then I calm and I realize that I am better than that. I deserve better than that. I deserve someone who will give themselves over to me willingly, readily. But it never makes that awful feeling go away…
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Sometimes it’s easier for me to pretend rather than face my feelings.
Sometimes it’s easier to try to make it alone rather than risk getting hurt again.
Sometimes it’s easier to be numb to certain people so I don’t let them get too close.
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Some people wonder why they don’t leave.
When the person you love with everything that you are, can’t commit to you, the way you want to commit to them,
can’t be there, the way you are prepared to be there,
can’t love you, the way you need to love them,
some people don’t understand why they just can’t walk away.
That’s not me.
I know exactly why I don’t leave.
I know exactly why I don’t walk away.
You will be fine where you are.
Your life will continue, things will go your way and you will be happy without me.
I’m not ready yet.
I want you to be happy, I need you to be happy,
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DIFFERENT
I wanted to be different, I asked for it, and I can see Him working.
I asked for the next time to be different.
He gave that to me.
And what He gave me IS so different. So painfully right.
But it’s still not mine and is for a time out of reach. And now I ask for patience. Or for another direction that leads to somewhere even more perfect.
And though it seems that be a place incomprehensible, I would walk.
Surrendering to His will. And I would, without hesitation, move with an even greater faith.
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If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. - Woody Allen
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"how do people do this?" she asked. "how do people keep putting themselves out there when they know they're probably just going to get hurt? how can anyone deal with that much disappointment? it's unnnatural. we're not supposed to go through life so exposed. that's why people get married. because no one is supposed to go through life that vulnerable. no one is supposed to be forced to meet so many strangers who end up making you feel bad!"
- "how to be single" by liz tuccillo (coauthor of "he's just not that into you")
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I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything.
So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out.And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart.And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you.But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside.Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know.
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I guess no matter how long you try to deny yourself the pleasure of hanging out with someone who you know is just downright bad for you, sooner or later, temptation always prevails. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Trouble.
I did it too…Toink! I think trouble is coming my way…
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